Monday, August 31, 2015

autumn, grace, peace.


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There’s a hint of fall in the cool morning air. The tips of the leaves are turning golden and russet. I watched them fall around me as I sat down on the steps of the porch with my cup of PG tips.

As I sat there I keep thinking the same words, over and over: I’m not ready for this.

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This year there’s been an inextricable sadness with each change of the season. The passage of time feels weighty. It’s a reminder I’m moving farther and farther away from the last days I had with her. This one, this saunter into autumn, her favorite season, has been tough. Considering making plans to do all her favorite things without her seems unfathomable. The thought that winter is coming and with it brings whole year without her sits at the back of my mind.

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Learning to live without someone you love is strange. I’m feel like I’m constantly searching. Searching for my mom. Parts of her. Memories to hold onto. Other times I’m searching for myself. How do you figure out who you are without your mother, without a person you love and who loved you? Her guiding voice, so strong throughout my entire life, is gone and sometimes (most of the time) I feel lost without it. Who am I without her encouragement and her laughter and her love? In “A Grief Observed” CS Lewis says the death of a beloved is an amputation. It changes your way of life forever and it takes a long time to acclimate to that change. The struggle is woven into my every day. I haven’t got it figured out yet. But I’m trying. 

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People said it would get easier, and it has, I guess. Easier feels like the wrong word most days, though. It’s different. Grief is an ever evolving thing. I’m learning to live with that evolution and accept the changes when they come. To accept the days when a memory can knock me over, breathless. And to also accept the days when those memories make me laugh until I cry. Honestly, sometimes that’s even more painful. I'm learning to pray for peace and accept it. To give myself grace when I need to wallow.

 Grace & Peace. That's all we can ask for.

25 comments:

  1. Every word of this hits me. I know this harsh reality, this new way of having to live after a loss. May the Grace of God be with you as you journey through grief. Allow the grief to shape and change you into everything beautiful that you already are and everything beautiful you can grow to be. Blessings to you and yours.

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  2. Beautiful words and pictures! Grief never goes away, but it evolves and loses it's weightfulness with time...

    Take care dear,

    Rosa

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  3. I've already deleted a few comments as no words can help and cure the grief in your heart. But I hope that time will help and if you feel lonely you know that there are hundreds and thousands of you r faithful readers here and that you can always share your thoughts and feelings and we are always ready to listen.
    Take care, Sasha
    eatmeblog.com

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  5. I love you Hannah. I know you know my feelings are so much the same. It's so painful to have to keep moving and experiencing life without Mama. But we have to both remember that that's what she would want for us. She'd hate to think we weren't moving and growing. I miss her so much and a lot of the time I don't know how to deal with anything without her help but I do and so do you because we're tough just like she raised us to be. We're going to be alright, God is in control of our lives and loves us always.

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  6. You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers. Xoxoxo

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  7. Reading this stirs so much inside me.
    I'm so very sorry for your loss and that you have to experience this pain. Its the worst kind of pain. It really is a pain that doesnt go away. It just comes and goes in varying degrees. I lost my mother when I was 24. Im 41 now. Not a day goes by that I dont think of her.
    Thoughts and prayers with you all. <3

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  8. I hope you are back to writing. Not blogging as such. Writing

    My father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was very young. That was a long time ago and I still miss his presence.

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  9. I'm proud of you, Hannah. I know she would be, too.

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  10. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are back to blogging too. This poem helped me understand my loss a little better..

    An Ocean of Grief
    © Ferna Lary Mills

    I cautiously watch the water as it moves along the shore
    creeping closer to the sand around my feet.
    Beyond the crashing waves, where the water is deepest green
    the ocean mirrors the depths of my grief.

    My grief is like the ocean, sorrow coming in like waves,
    sometimes gentle like a ripple on the sea.
    Other times it just engulfs me with crushing waves of sadness
    and undertows of despair pull down on me.

    Some days I wade out in it, splashing memories with my feet,
    recalling days of sunshine on my face.
    Stepping through the foamy edges never venturing out so far
    that larger waves can threaten their embrace.

    Then when I least expect it this freak of nature soaks me
    in reality so painful that I fall.
    The sorrow and the anger that I've fought with day to day
    surge through me in a tidal free-for-all.

    One day when I'm much stronger and my grief is not so new
    I'll swim just like I used to do before.
    I'll take pleasure in the memories,
    and tread water in those places
    that we can't share together anymore.

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  11. I'm not sure that feeling ever goes away. I think it starts to define us in a way... and that's not necessarily a bad thing. It forces me to pay more attention to the important things... to the little moments. And, also, to take time for myself, doing the things I love.

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  12. C.S. Lewis also said that grief felt like fear. It does. I'm so sorry Hannah, but you wrote beautiful words for your mom. Remember, she loves you. I know because I'm a mom. You never quit loving your children. Never.

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  13. I envy you the feelings that you are having for missing your Momma and for the life you had together. Be blessed with the gorgeous memories you have of your Momma. Seems you both loved each other very much and that, my dear, is a gift. I am so sorry.

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  14. What beautiful feelings you described...I can only wish my daughter and I will have the same feelings for one another...what a dream. Grace and peace and courage.

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  15. Hi, Hanna. Been following your blog for a while here from Brazil. The pictures, the recepies and the writing... Love it.
    Well, what can I say?
    My mother passed away 4 years ago. It gets easier, but it's not like you forgot this feeling. It's more like you get used to live with that lack. I won't lie, I still has moments when all I needed was to see her eyes looking at me. But, as I say, moments.It will truly get better. It will. It will be ok, or even great for the most of the time and it will be not wrong to feel like this.
    Anyway, sorry if I said something wrong. Is that, once again,
    I've been following your blog for a while and ... well, we kinda get attached, you know?

    Wishing the best for all.

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  16. Hannah, thank you for taking the time and having the courage to share your grief. I lost my Dad a few years ago and reading your post gives form to the smoky sadness I feel in my heart. Thank you.

    -Mary

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  17. Hannah, I lost my mom 3 weeks ago. The pain and grief are unbearable. I remember reading your post when you shared about your mother's passing. It resonated with me even then when I still had my mother but knew our time together on this earth was limited. I had my Mom for 58 years. She was/is a woman to be admired and looked up to for so many reasons. I don't know what to do with that empty space. Your words and the words of your commenters help. It helps just knowing someone else understands the deep feelings of loss I am experiencing. I try everyday to count the blessings that came from having a wonderful mother, and for having her for so long. Some days it helps to balance the sadness. I know what lies ahead of me, there are going to be some very painful moments. Our favorite season was Fall so I relate to how you are feeling as you approach a season that otherwise would feel all warm and cozy. I wish you peace and grace as you walk this road ahead of me. Your words help as I begin to navigate my own way over the same difficult road.

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  18. Someone once told me "Grief is love, just with nowhere to go." Send it out to the people still around you now :)

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  19. This really struck a cord in my heart..... grief is such a journey. I was just reading about the journey Hannah in the Old Testament went through.... you share her name, which means "grace." :) and I think that is so beautiful....it's something we all need daily, and your name carries it.
    I'm praying for you, Hannah...praying for rest for your heart, and for comfort from the Lord and His Word.

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  20. The love you have for her is so beautiful. You will be together again someday. In the meantime I pray for peace and comfort, and that you feel God's presence close to you. Hugs.

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  21. I imagine this poem describes what grief ought to feel like with the passage of time - a companion in wisdom. I hope it helps.

    NOW LET ME BE SAD by Emma Lou Thayne

    Now let me feel sad. Impulse, trained in gladness,
    Do not try to whisk me away from grief
    Like a child caught sulking in a corner
    Immobilized by imagined hurt.

    Instead, let me grow rich with my sadness.
    Let it mellow and strengthen my joy,
    Take bold hold of my will,
    Give tears permission to water the parch of loss.

    Let its music ripple my spine,
    Let me give ardent ear
    To what was, to what never will be.
    Grief, be my companion in joy.

    In the numberless calls acquainting me with the Night
    Bring me to my senses, numberless too
    In abandoning numbness and the faint iridescence
    Of busyness, crowds, brief entertainments.

    Like walking into a sea, only in depth can I float,
    Depth, too often feared for its power
    To raise me footloose and struggling
    Is all that can gentle me back to shore:

    Safe, breathing in the cosmos of the sweet unknown
    Full of the Light of having been sad.

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  22. You're beautiful. God has a plan throughout everything - just keeping clinging to Him. Love and prayers, Hannah

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  23. She did not die , just went to the other side .
    One day you will find your mother.
    Grace & Peace, dear Hannah.

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